Do you
know a neighbor, friend, co-worker, customer or even a family
member being victimized by domestic violence? Is your own life
and well being in peril?
As our society becomes better educated about this cruel, dehumanizing
and devastating problem, it’s becoming clear that —
directly and indirectly — we are all affected. And while
few things in life are more complex than domestic violence, when
it comes to helping a victim, a few simple guidelines can make
all the difference. Here, in a nutshell, is what you should —
and shouldn’t — do to help.
(Adapted from Domestic Violence: A Handbook for Agents. Published
by Wisconsin Department of Corrections.)
- Ask if your friend is being hurt
- Listen and believe your friend
- Ask questions --but don’t judge or blame
- Remind your friend that no one deserves to be hit
- Keep communication open and offer to help your friend seek help
- Tell your friend that you care no matter what
- Remind yourself that getting out of an abusive relationship
is difficult --and dangerous
- Call the police if you witness an assault
- Tell your friend to call a local domestic violence agency
- DO support the victim with assurance that she is not to blame.
- DO assume that the perpetrator continues to control the victim.
- DO discuss dynamics of domestic violence.
- DO continue to take her safety seriously.
- DO support her by acknowledging her fears.
- DO validate the seriousness of an abusive incident.
- DO refer her to several community resources. One system may
be inadequate.
- DO affirm her belief that she knows her batterer best, while
maintaining that most abusive men will abuse again. Provide assurance
that, should he continue to abuse her, you will continue to support
her and take action as necessary.
- DO emphasize that your goal is to protect her safety and prevent
reoffense by the batterer.
- DO restate basic ideas emphasizing the facts (e.g., “In
other words, you decided …”)
- DO reflect her feelings. State what you hear in words or tone
(e.g., “It sounds like you were afraid.”).
- DO summarize to clarify and to establish basis for further discussion
(e.g., “If I understand correctly, your main concerns are
…”).
- DON’T blame her for his violence.
- DON’T ask why she doesn’t leave.
- DON’T tell her to leave or to stay. She is confused and
in need of support. She will not trust you if she feels the only
way to gain your support is either to leave or to stay in the
relationship. She does not need your advice.
- DON’T disbelieve nor minimize her fear.
- DON’T make decisions for her.
- DON’T collude with the abuser in supporting his victim
stance.
- DON’T lead her to believe treatment is the definitive cure.
- DON’T encourage “couples” counseling or joint
interviews.
- DON’T believe assertiveness skills will stop the violence.
Being assertive may increase the danger for her. Trust her “gut”
feelings concerning what she can safely do or say.
- DON’T become angry nor dismiss her as a “willing victim”
if she defends him.
- DON’T belittle nor condemn the batterer. If you openly
agree with her negative sentiments toward the batterer, she may
not feel free to confide in you if she changes her mind nor if
she continues to harbor an underlying emotional attachment to
him. Usually beneath her negative sentiments are some feelings
of love, concern, and tenderness.
- DON’T invalidate her fears regarding less violent incidents.
- DON’T promise to keep her safe nor take care of all her
needs.
- DON’T take her anger personally nor respond with your own
defensiveness or anger.
- DON’T collude with the abuser in supporting his manipulative
tactics.
- DON’T provide solutions nor preach to her — instead
present options.
- DON’T argue or disagree — instead focus on her feelings
and the reasons for her feelings.
- DON’T praise excessively — instead affirm her strength.
- DON’T probe, interpret, or diagnose the victim.
Page Last
Updated: 09/17/2007
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